The BRHL started an article section where they talked about FHLSim strategies, tips and any debatable topic. Unfortunately, it only lasted two articles. They have inspired me to write my own random thoughts on FHLSim, so here is the first article. I do not consider myself an experienced veteran or a hockey guru, but I think I have played the game long enough to be worth 12 minutes of your time. This week we have an article asking which one is better; an offensive or a defensive defender. As you can see, I took some time to come up with the title.

Geezer’s Words of Wisdom: Coffey or T(inordi)

Waitresses are annoying. Waiters are annoying. The guy who mixes some gin with toxic waste behind the counter is annoying, but disturbingly cute. Why? Because of that (ß this is an arrow pointing to the question mark).Because people who work at restaurants ask too many questions. Would you like a side salad? Would you like a refill? Would you like one of our overpriced desserts which are heavily sweetened artificially so you can tip me more? In fact, that last question ranks first among the “Most Asked Questions at a Restaurant Table” list, narrowly beating out Would you like coffee or tea? I was asked this second place question this past Tuesday at Milestone’s, and it made me wonder: Would I prefer to start my fantasy team building around Paul Coffey or Mark T(ea)inordi (The answer to that is simple, but I couldn’t find a more skilled defensive defender whose last name began with a T, so bear with me)?

The waitress who asked me was ugly and had a Finnish accent, so it sparked an intriguing question in my mind: If given a choice to start my THGHL expansion squadron with one of these following players, would I choose the offense-first, power-play quarter-back (think Paul Coffey gliding through the ice); the defense-first, bruising stay-at-home behemoth (think Scott Stevens standing next to you); or a slow-footed, useless Finnish defender (hi there Aki-Petteri Berg)? It was a fascinating question (minus the Aki Berg joke) that warranted tens of millions of fantasy dollars for the one who would expose it.

(This is the part of the game where you give me a lot of money, Martin.)

We start with the prototypical defensive defender; an individual who plays his heart out to keep the puck away from the net and players away from his wife. His style is reckless, his determination is inspiring and his body checks keep many doctors employed. He puts the D in “defender”, the hit when players yell “sh**”, and the pain in dislocated left shoulder. Many people believe that this is the first attribute of a franchise defender; whether it’s because this bastion of strength delivers pain and fear to opposing teams; or when the going gets tough, he just gets tougher. He plays defense the way it was meant to be played, and is applauded for it.

However, these prototypical defensive defenders have their drawbacks. They’re usually slow, which renders being in good defensive position useless. Consider this: Random European Guy blows right past your best defender, has time for a baguette, sips a cup of l’eau du jour and still has time to score (at this point, you are too preoccupied thinking about what l’eau du jour is or laughing at my lame mockery of Europeans to remember what I was talking about, so I advise you to reread the first two lines of this paragraph). Are you enjoying your number one defenseman now? And being slow isn’t even the end of it. It’s very hard to find an Adam Foote in this league who’s not only your defensive defender, but also your defensive defender with discipline. These hard-hitting defenders usually hit so hard that they get quite carried away, and can bring your average penalty minutes per game up by about four minutes.

Instead of the slow, undisciplined elephant, why not choose the cheetah that is not only fast, but very bright as well? The cheetah metaphor describes your everyday offensive defenseman. Leading the rush with speed and grace, your neighbourhood friendly puck handling defender can stickhandle through a pack of wolves, feed tape-to-tape passes to incoming wingers or wire it from the red line. They provide points in an offensive league (we are talking about the THGHL nevertheless); they provide excitement in arenas filled with fake fans; and they put that fourth forward on the ice, for when you really need that game-tying goal.

They are indeed elegant, but are they too elegant? They usually don’t bother playing defense and avoid body checking like it’s the plague. Why? Because they’re usually European, and those who aren’t European eat baguettes and marry hot, Russian supermodels, so they live the lifestyle of a European. They are everything the definition of ‘defender’ is not, yet they are considered for its top honour every offseason (that’s the Norris Trophy, the award given out to the best defender). They are disgraceful, easily scared and usually Jewish, yet we still pay to see them

(That was a joke. I do not know of any Jewish hockey player who I would pay to see. Hell, I know of no Jewish person who I would pay to get a lap dance from. But hey, at least I’m not making any old, overused big nose joke. I have integrity.)

My choice? That’s easy, and you might be surprised. I would choose Paul Coffey over Scott Stevens every day of the week (considering they were equal in age, contract, etc etc). Why? Because you have to understand the landscape of the THGHL (the T in THGHL already represents the ‘the’, which makes it a gay name, which makes it easy to the common person to guess who came up with it) in order to truly get the most out of every player. How many defenders had a PA over 75 and signed a contract for less than $500,000 this offseason? None (that I know of). Similarly, how many defenders with a DF over 75 signed a contract for less than $500,000? Many. The best of which was the LA Kings’ shrewd signing (man, their GM is the best) of Peter Taglianetti, who has a 78 DF and 70+ in IT/ST with a decent DI number too (also he sounds Italian, which deserves bonus points).

What does that all mean? It means the league is littered with more defensive defenders than their offensive counterparts. It means it is cheaper in the league right now to acquire an offensive defenseman than it is for a defensive defenseman (this is “usually” the case, but some managers have yet to uncover this great mystery). It means that if I was a trade-hog, I would be able to get more for Paul Coffey than I could with Scott Stevens, if only because the league had less Paul Coffey’s. Now, that does not take into account of what the market wants, but if teams were looking for offensive defensemen just as much as defensive rearguards, the former would cost more to acquire.

Therefore, you often have to scout the whole league and analyze trades to truly know which type of player is better to have, if given the choice. This is because, although offensive defenders theoretically reap more assets, the market swing can potentially dictate otherwise.

(I have now exceeded my self-set word limit of 1000 by a lot and am really sad.)

When I was asked whether I wanted coffee or tea, I said no to both, because I’d much prefer to get my tasty coffee where I can roll the rim for a free doughnut.

(It just occurred to me that people outside of Canada will not know of the annual “Roll the Rim for a Car” campaign that Tim Hortons runs. It then occurred to me that Country Times does this too, and they have stores in the U.S. Finally, I remembered that no one has gone to Country Times for years. This was a bad way to end the first article.)

The BRHL had other GMs give comments on the articles and I thought it was a great idea. If you have any relevant comments, ideas or opinions about this topic please leave a comment.

Test. One, two, tree.